The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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