So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
