We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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