life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
