bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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