While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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