Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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