he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
why do cheetos always look like penises
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
