awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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