If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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