i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
