I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
