Having a random hookup so left but love u
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i wish my penis had a tongue
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize