I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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