I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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