fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
