Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
