The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
What changed your mind?
Being sober
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Randomize
