God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
