He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
