Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
