She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just pee around me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize