matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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