At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
