"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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