so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
