He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
