There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
