remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
