So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
