so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
