I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
