i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize