I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
