i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
