I can text with my tongue
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize