I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
and she was petting her beer can
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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