we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have feelings that need drinking.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
