Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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