He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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