i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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