Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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