dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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