Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I want her autograph on my taint
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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