Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
