the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
