Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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