i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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