we have pet lesbian snakes
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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