life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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