nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
