Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
