Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize