we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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