You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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