I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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