Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
