The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
