Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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