She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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