I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
